I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
I'm frightened of the old ones.
John Cage
This is for all you shy and lonely guys out there. It's difficult enough being alone, but seeing "everyone else" laughing and having a good time with wives and girlfriends, how easy it is to despair of ever gaining these pleasures, to resign yourself to being tortured forever by loneliness. To give up.
No! You hold in your own hands the power to change your life. Could you but turn the talent and experience that have brought you success in other pursuits to the challenge of finding, meeting, and creating a relationship with a love mate, what wonders might you yet accomplish? For so many desperate and empty years you have struggled to find a companion, something that seems to come without effort to so many other men, and you have choked on ashes and bitterness. Nonetheless, it is your very failures that make you worthy of love. You will succeed, you will relate in a rare and meaningful way to a woman, and to a depth that will forever be denied those to whom love comes too easily and who therefore take it for granted. You have remained true to the romantic ideal and have escaped the fate of those cynical "burnouts" that you envy in a moment of weakness. Unlike the professional Romeos who attract women effortlessly, you see a love relationship as the singularly precious thing it is. Fortunate indeed will be the woman who wins your heart.
Much hard work and pain lies ahead. This journey of self-discovery and transformation requires all the courage and determination you can muster. Grit your teeth, for there is much learning to be done, many mountains to be climbed. Fortunately you need only climb one at a time.
Each painful lesson will leave you, if bloodied, ever more determined to press onward. As hard steel is tempered by heating, then quenching in cold water, so will your character be strengthened by the hardships you will surmount. Growing hurts.
If there is a purpose to life's cruelties and tragedies, it is to make of you a better person. It can be likened to stripping the faded and peeling paint from an antique piece of fine cabinetry to reveal the magnificence of the natural wood grain underneath. This lends credence to the assertion that the only truly strong and quality people are those that have been fire hardened and polished by adversity.
You will practice patience. You will be patient with yourself. You will be patient with the people you relate with. You will trust that all will work out for the best, and not force matters along. Relationships progress at their own pace, and it is ofttimes a slow pace.
You will never, never give up.
Life is about making mistakes and collecting bruises, learning from them, becoming transformed by them. There is something universal about making a fool of yourself, falling on your face, being rejected by a woman. It has happened to you. It may well happen again. It happens to everyone.
Admit your mistakes. There's no place to hide from them, but don't take them personally. They need not shatter your self-confidence. Be strong (the pain will recede). Stand back and analyze what happened. Take notes. Record your experiences, tell your story. Keep a journal. It will help you pull together the scattered pieces of your life and uncover the deeper meaning of it.
Recognize the dangers of overcorrecting for your aloneness, of prematurely throwing yourself into the "social whirl" to break out of your isolation. You need to preserve stability and continuity in your life, and to be wary of disrupting familiar routine lacking adequate preparation. Changing your life is a major undertaking, and will take time.
Before proceeding farther, it is time to define your own individual
identity, to get a firm grasp on who and what you are,
to figure out what differentiates you from all the other humans running
around in the wide world. This is hard work, and will require a
considerable investment in time and effort... and thought.
Exercise 1:
Write a 1000 word essay, titled "Who I Am". Tell all about
yourself, your interests and your goals, your passions, your hidden
desires, your joys and your hurts, your strengths and your weaknesses,
your sources of pride and what you are ashamed of.
Exercise 2: Write a rather long, detailed autobiography. Recall as many as you can of the formative influences and people in your life. Remember your achievements and failures, your moments of triumph, and the depths of your pain and despair. Call it "How I Got Here".
Exercise 3:
Finally, write a short description of the woman you would like to meet,
the one who haunts your dreams, the soul mate who will enter your
life one day. Paint a "word picture" of her. What is she like? Is there
anything striking about her appearance? What is her personality? Why
will she be attracted to you in particular?
These three essays will form the introduction, the frontispiece and
anchor to your journal, the tale of your journey. Should you lose
your way, this is your compass, your guide back to the path you
will follow. Here is your first gift to yourself, a sense of direction.
Having a girlfriend will not solve any problems, it will tend to worsen them, if anything. You need to fix up your life and your Self to be worthy of a meaningful relationship, to be able to uphold your end of it. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, to use your aloneness creatively, to transform lonely into self-sufficient.
Gain social skills. Communicate with people. Learn how to talk. Becoming at ease in conversation makes it easier to make friends and relate to them. Empathize with and help those around you. Partake of their joys and griefs, their accomplishments and failures. Grow, and share your own experiences with them.
Recreate yourself as a more interesting person. Keep up with current events. Read books. Continue your education. Pursue hobbies and interests, cultivate skills. Become proficient in some endeavor, some field. Being looked up to as an expert will gain you respect and admiration. Help others and teach them.
Evolve and develop into a strong, independent individual. Become a helper, a resource. Give support and encouragement to those that need it. Be a pillar of strength to those weaker than you. Volunteer your services to groups that help others. Let the goodness in your heart shine as a beacon to those around you. Know that what you get from life is a return on what you give.
