HOW-2 Meet Women
by
Cartaphilus
Chapter 11
Deepening the Relationship
You have been dating a nice woman, and the two of you seem to feel at
ease with each other and enjoy being together. It feels right
being with her, but you have yet to touch, to hold hands, to exchange
more than a hug and a nominal kiss or two. Where do you go from here?
Talk.
Set up lines of communication. Establish a rapport.
- Share your past, your pain and disappointments as well as your
triumphs and joys.
- Laugh together, cry together. Humor is healing, and tears are
sacred.
- Slowly and reverently peel back the layers of mystery in each other.
Every revealed nuance, every secret desire, every
confession of weakness, every exploration of hope and
admission of paralyzing fear strengthens the bond
between the two of you, helps you accept the other
as a human being, flawed but worthy of acceptance as a
trusted and intimate companion.
Share
interests, activities, and hobbies.
- Play games you both enjoy, board games, lawn games, tennis,
handball, croquet.
- Prepare home cooked meals for her, and volunteer to wash the dishes
when she cooks for you. Don't forget to praise her spaghetti sauce (made
from an old family recipe, no doubt).
- Sing to her. Make up silly rhymes to tunes you know.
- Tell her stories, true stories from your life and made up stories
from your imagination.
- Write poems especially for her.
- Read aloud favorite plays, each of you taking a part.
Develop customs and "traditions"
unique to yourselves as a couple.
- Celebrate the monthly anniversary of your first meeting with a small
party.
- Give her little, inexpensive presents (stuffed animals, key chain
trinkets, bath soaps). The personal touch counts.
- Remember 'special' dates, not just her birthday.
Build trust.
- Be reliable.
- Act honorably.
- Treat her with respect.
- Keep your word. Always.
Learn how to disagree.
- Establish the 'rules of engagement', the ground rules for arguing.
There is a line you may not cross without causing permanent injury.
- Be willing to compromise your differences (as distinct from your
principles). Making up after a fight can bring you closer than you were
before.
Get to know her family,
and introduce her to your own.
- Family background gives important clues to a person's character.
- A long-term relationship is a bond between families, not just the persons
involved.
There comes that magic moment when you finally touch, when she
fiercely grasps your hand of her own free will, when you start to give
her the usual goodnight peck on the cheek and she turns her face to
catch the kiss full on her lips (and, oh, how soft and yielding and warm
they are!). This is a healing touch, an affirmative, giving touch. It
is a pledge of yearned for commitment, a seed cast upon the waters of
tomorrow.
Consider the process, the dynamic of how two people become one, a
couple. The two of you gradually grow closer, begin to have deep
feelings for one another, and to bond. Past a certain threshold,
you cease to think of the woman as someone you have been dating, instead
she becomes the other half of us.
This is the point where commitment enters the picture, commitment
to the relationship and to the happiness and well being of your partner.
This is the critical moment when you decide to share your life together.
Cautions
Since you are somewhat inexperienced in the realm of man-woman
relationships, you will blunder at first, learning by trial and error,
making painful mistakes. You force the pace, letting your anxiety and
impatience bruise the fragile trust between you. You let personal
insecurities drive you to acts of jealousy. You try to change, or
"remodel" her. Your strategems to pull her closer, to take possession of
her -- drive her away. Sometimes, it seems as if all your efforts are
self-defeating...
Be prepared for the possibility that the relationship may never
'kindle'. If such be the case, consider it 'training' for your next one.
Go on with your life. Meet new persons. Explore new relationships.
Finally, recognize that even a close relationship may go sour. Danger
signs in a failing relationship include lack of respect between
partners, constant bickering, and, most telling of all, power and
domination dramas. If the two of you can no longer make each other
laugh, give each other comfort by a touch, and share intimate moments,
then there is little hope left. If your partner disparages and makes
fun of you, there is not much remaining to hold on to. You can no longer
evade hard choices, and the time has come to consider a graceful exit.
Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing...
Shakespeare, Sonnet 87
Questions
How will I know that she is the one for me?
"Love at first sight" is a verifiable phenomenon, but don't count on it
happening to you. More commonly, it will gradually dawn on the both
of you, during the course of the relationship, that you have a special bond, and
perhaps, just perhaps are meant for each other.
How can I be sure she loves me?
You can't.
How can I test her love?
Relationships are based on trust. "Testing" her love violates that trust and
demeans both of you.
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when
they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our
virtues.
Honore de Balzac
