If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.


You can expect difficulties and setbacks in the course of your social development. Some problems have a relatively simple "fix", while others require careful attention and a great deal of patience. Consider problems as challenges and learning experiences, rather than as painful failures and doors slammed in your face.


Women seem to find you physically repulsive. They are uncomfortable in your presence and it seems as if they can't wait to get away from you.

• Do you shower regularly and use deodorant and/or mouthwash, as necessary? Body odor and bad breath are a naturally occurring phenomenon, a product of the 'human condition', and they are not necessarily repellent or offensive... to persons already involved in a close relationship. When meeting strangers, though, it is expedient to smell 'neutral'.
• Are you at a hyper pitch of nervousness when near a woman?
  Does your desperation for contact show?
  Do sweat stains start spreading under your armpits and back of your shirt just at the thought of approaching a woman?
  Reread the sidebar on overcoming nervousness.
  Take measures to build up your self-confidence.
• Do you force your presence on women in awkward circumstances...
  without the necessary preliminaries, or when they are otherwise occupied?
• Do you approach women who would likely reject you?

The women you find interesting want no part of you, while the ones attracted to you hold no appeal.

• Question your basic assumptions.
  Have you bought into the "pop culture" ideal of what a woman should look like?
  Are you obsessed by visions of a blonde super-model?
  Is appearance more important to you than personality?
  Do you limit yourself to women your parents, your friends, your social group would approve of?

Problems starting a conversation.

• Fear
  Practice, practice, practice. Courage.
• Women do not respond.
  Bad timing.
  Obnoxiously aggressive, too "pushy".
  Wait for visual cues that your presence would be welcome.
  Reread Chapter 4.

Love letters

• The woman becomes offended.
  Do your "homework" before writing to a woman you have yet to talk to.
  Take care not to write to women who are not 'eligible'.
  Be more discreet in your use of language.
  Consider whether a love letter is even appropriate in these particular circumstances.
• No response.
  More skillful use of words.
  Accompany the letter with a single red rose.

Telephone

• You rapidly run out of things to say to a woman on the phone.
  Do some advanced preparation before calling.
  Reread chapter 5.
• You do great on the phone, but in person you strike out.
  Don't build up her expectations to unrealistic levels in phone conversations.
  Be more honest and forthright about yourself, your appearance, and your shortcomings before you meet face-to-face.
  Take more time to get to know each other before meeting in person.

Personal Ads

• You have made a career of answering personals. You buy postage stamps in multiple sheets of 50, and have developed a bad case of 'writer's cramp'. So far, though, no answers to your letters.
  You respond to the wrong ads.
  If the ad gives detailed specifications for the type of man the woman seeks, don't even bother responding if you are not a fairly close 'fit'.
  Your responses are too bland, generic. There is nothing in them to make you "stand out from the crowd".
• You have placed a number of your own ads, with only a few disappointing responses.
  Your ads are not well enough written, possibly not specifically enough 'targeted'.
  Perhaps you have placed them in inappropriate publications.
  Change the wording of your ads.
  Break out of the mold and try something unusual, or even mildly dramatic.
  Be patient. Keep trying.
  Reread chapter 7.

Dating

• As long as the two of you are doing something, everything is fine, but when you are alone with each other you seem to have nothing to say.
  This does not bode well for your relationship. If you cannot communicate, you may not have much in common.
• The woman you are going with consistently shows up late for dates.
  You are a low priority with her. Reconsider how important she is in your life.
• After meeting a woman, things usually go well for the first few dates, but then she loses interest in you.
  This seems to be a repeating pattern in your relationships.
  Become a more interesting person.
  Develop your talents and explore the depths of your potential.
  Review basic conversational skills.
  Do you attach yourself to the woman, 'smothering' her?
  Do your constant attentions allow her to take you for granted?
  Reread chapter 11.

A certain woman you know casually has shown an interest in you. You would like to get to know her better, but neither of you has the nerve to "make the first move".

• Make yourself unavailable for a week or so, to give yourself some breathing space.
• Smile at her, say hello, engage in light conversation at every opportunity.
• Ask to meet her over coffee or in a public place, in a tension-free setting.

You know the woman has strong feelings for you because she becomes nervous, red-faced and flustered in your presence. She seems to have more severe shyness and self-confidence problems than even you do.

• Give her the support and understanding she needs, so she can develop confidence in herself.
  Lend her strength.
• Maintain a sympathetic, non-threating manner toward her. Let her learn that you can be trusted.
• Listen to her. Give her a chance to "open up".
• Share your own doubts and fears with her. Let her know that you, too, are human.
• Show her that you care in a gentle way. Be protective of her.
• Be patient.

You are going out with a woman who shows you no affection at all, who constantly criticizes everything you do, who has no interest in the things that are important to you. She permits you to take her to dinner and entertain her, and makes you feel that this is what you owe her for being with her. You are nevertheless overwhelmed and grateful to be near her, and if you could only get her to return your love, it would make your life complete.

• If it is your life's ambition to be abused and exploited, then you have found your soulmate. Otherwise, run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

You seem stuck in a rut. Your life has settled into a dull routine of loneliness and even the prospect of a close relationship hardly excites you any more.

• Try a change of pace.
  Fill up your free time with activities.
  Take classes. Join clubs. Do volunteer work.
  Devote yourself to a hobby.
  Start work on your novel.
• Avoid passive entertainment.
  Television mires you even deeper in depression, paralyzes your initiative,
  and distorts your perceptions.
• Step out of the role.
  Be a bit more flexible, and slightly less predictable in your behavior.
  Deliberately act out of character occasionally.
• If you are in a serious state of depression, consider professional counseling.

You are tired of making a fool of yourself over women, tired of being humiliated and rejected. You don't know where you'll find the courage to go on looking for love.

• Get a good night's sleep.
  Wake up fortified with a teeny bit of optimism, and smile at the people you meet on the way to work.
• Forget about girlfriend hunting for a few weeks, perhaps a month or two, and concentrate on improving your relationships with your family and friends.

Absolutely nothing seems to work.

• Perhaps it is not the right time in your life to be seeking a relationship.
  You might not yet be ready for one.
• Treat yourself to a six month's breather, a vacation from looking for a girlfriend.
  Enlarge your circle of acquaintances.
  Develop new interests. Go back to school. Start your own business. Change your life.
  Grow, learn, and be patient.

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Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"